It’s an interesting fact that humans are not naturally active listeners. And yet, to understand somebody, to help, to have an excellent relationship and to be empathetic, we need to listen intently to others’ arguments, thoughts and opinions. 

‘As we listen to people, we sometimes relate what they’re saying to our own past experiences,’ says Karen Winfield, managing director of PD Training. 

‘We start to conjure up what we want to say back to them. Or we decide to tell them they’re not correct. Or yes, we agree, and offer our own experience. Or we simply disengage because we don’t believe in that person, or in the way they’re communicating, or in the content they’re offering.’

The message we give to the listener when we’re not actively listening is that we have something more important to communicate, or something more important to be thinking about or doing, Winfield says. In doing so, we’re missing the point of what the person is trying to say, and why they’re saying it.

Andy Monks, personal performance coach with Landmark Worldwide, agrees.

‘We don’t generally actively listen,’ he says. ‘We’re not wired that way. Everybody has a little voice in their head that is constantly evaluating what’s being said.

‘But when you want to make a difference with someone, when you want to support them in solving their problem, help them feel better, bring an argument to a diplomatic end or whatever it may be, listening is the secret sauce.’

Even though we might not do it naturally, active listening can be taught and learned. It’s often simply a matter of recognising what gets in the way, and then removing those obstacles.

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